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I went to bed early last night because I wanted to get up early today to study for my exam that's at 2PM. I woke up before my alarm went off (which was set for 8AM) and was fully awake. I go to look at the clock thinking there must only be an hour until it would go off. The red numbers read: 3:01. UGH. So I doze for a while, get back into REM where I have these weird series of dreams and wake up again before my alarm goes off. It's 5AM this time. I would have liked to have given a frustrated growl, but that would have woken my roommate. I'm pretty sure I annoyed her awake with how many times I kept checking the clock after I woke up again at 7AM. Where I was completely awake and unnable to get to sleep then, my eyes are telling me I'm still tired. Damn.
I could go back to sleep for a nap. I don't have to do anything until my exam. I studied a little bit at breakfast (which was perfectly gross, but it always gets nasty before a break. It's almost like clockwork. And this is why I gain so much weight over the holidays. It's the snacks or greasy food from the Ox I eat because the food sucks.) and found that I really don't need to study. There are a few things I don't know, like dates and the entire book by Einhard, but I simply don't care. It's my last exam. The only thing for me to do is to have Ricky help me write the group question for the Psych Essay Final. (Which I would have had done yesterday if Ricky hadn't begged me to join the group.)
I want to play the Sims 2, but I don't want to wake up my roommate and my computer makes loud noises when I put a disc in. I hope she gets up soon. She usually doesn't sleep in late, even when she goes to bed around midnight.
I hope to be done with my exam quickly, because I don't want to miss the shuttle to go to Emory. I want to spend the night with Amanda before I have to come back and finish Psych. Then, I'm going to see about staying the night with Candice. That way I'll get to see both of my long distance friends before I won't be able to see them for the month of break. I can and will text Amanda and I'll probably get calls from Candice, so I think it'll be okay.
Oh! I got my new phone yesterday! Same one as last time except it's the next gen version. It's also "vibrant blue" instead of lime green. Haha, I'm going to be a creeper and take pictures of you all from online to be the picture IDs for your contact information. WHEEEE. I'm way too excited.
I also found someone to plant-sit for me!! It's actually my boss cuz she's going to be taking her own home for the break as well. Hurray! It shouldn't die! Unless she kills it. I'll be very upset if she does. I love my little poinsettia. ^_^
Well, I guess I'm going to find something to do until my roommate gets up!
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I should be finishing my outline for my Psychology essay. Or studying for my history final.
I'm getting so distracted. I have so many thoughts I want to get out. I feel like I probably have racing thoughts, but I don't want to have anything else wrong with me. And I can usually deal with it. Especially since my medication started working (at around 100 mg), I've been feeling so creative:
I had an idea for an original story. I haven't had one of those for a long, long time. (Again, since middle school. What's up with that? Coincidence? Connection? I keep finding things that may or may not be linked with the bi-polar, but I don't know if I'm just jumping to conclusions or not.)
I've made tons of costume/clothing ideas that I will not have the money or knowledge how to make for a long while. So, so sad. But they're beautiful (according to me) and mostly original. I could probably be a seamstress on the side. I must have been one in a past life. Too bad I didn't remember how to draft patterns!!
I'll be so excited to get out of here and get some of this creative out. I'm getting a sewing machine for Christmas and I'm going to re-size a bunch of my shirts and make a denim mini-skirt out an old pair of jeans. I also just want to chill for once without having to worry about any responsibilities or grades or waking up early. I'll get to see Patrick and hopefully some of you guys, depending on everyone's schedule.
I'm going to get back to exercising, too. I got sick for a few days, then had the whole bi-polar mess, and then suddenly everyone wanted to have everything due all at once and I haven't been able to do it. They have an exercise room at the apartment complex and there won't be anyone who looks at me weird when I want to do crunches. Especially when my roommate is so against exercise. Her take on running? "Where are they going?!" It's hilarious, but it's hard to say "I'm going to go exercise" or get changed into my exercise clothing. o.o;
I got a plant from my bosses at work/study. I've been treating it like a baby or a pet. I constantly check it to make sure it's got enough water, that it isn't too cold, that it's in indirect sunlight. I'm stressing over it dying over the month we're on Christmas break. I'm going to put it in the window with a bowl of water on it. Or I might try and see if anyone can plant-sit. I don't think people are going to understand if I ask them, though. I hardly understand my love for this green and red plant.
There's a book written by a lady psychologist who is also bi-polar. It's about her struggling with it. I want to read as much about it as possible. I know that I feel normal right now and have been since the 100 mg (and boy does it feel great!!), but I want to know what kinds of behaviors people who are medicated feel (not side-effects, but how they feel "normal," I guess.) I know I'm back to my cheerful self and it feels odd to be feeling such after such a long time. Today my mom snapped at me and instead of being angry or upset about it for hours afterwords, I didn't freak out about it. I haven't been depressed or too hyper (even after I've been revisiting my love for Alice in Wonderland-- especially the Hatter. No "obsessions"). Just disappointment after finding that there is virtually no good AiW fanfiction. T.T
Anyway, I should get back to my psychology outline, since I have to write the paper tomorrow and just want to get it out and out of the way. (As much as possible since my group [for one measly question >.<] pretty much decides when we get done with that question. Hopefully by Friday. I'll even volunteer to write the stupid thing. I just don't want to have to worry about anything beyond Friday. I'm trying to go to Amanda's for one night (Friday) and then go to Candice's for one or two days. I miss her so. I hope she comes back next semester. I also need to study for my history exam. Gonna finish drawing my study-aid (hahaha) and go over my study guides for the books we've read. Most of my studying will be done before the exam since it's at 2PM and I can just get up early and study forever (excluding breakfast and lunch break).
I also need to do my laundry....
Haha, I know you don't care, but I just like writing on here. In case anyone wants to know how I'm doing or what I'm doing. Or just to get it out without writing in my journal. I really only write in there when I'm manic or depressed, I've noticed. So I can pretty much track when I've been in those moods...
Anyway!! Bye!
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So. How is everyone? Good, I hope. How was your Thanksgiving breaks? I know that was a while ago, but I've been busy since then. Sorry about that. I had a bunch of papers due last week. This week is going to be pretty busy, too. It'll be fine though. I just need to get through four finals (Two on Tuesday before classes end and two during exams on Friday). Unfortunately, I've have to wait until the 15th before I can leave for Christmas break. That was the only time I could get a ride to the airport. Oh well.
I plan to spend that time playing The Sims 2 and just chilling. Hopefully, I can catch up on my sleep. That would be nice. I might also go to Amanda's, if she's not studying for her own exams. We'll see how that goes. ^.^
Speaking of Amanda, I went to her apartment on Friday after my appointment with the shrink and spent the night. We played a lot of Soul Calibur IV. The character customization doesn't seem as good as the 3rd part of the game, but the graphics are so beautiful. She let me make two characters, a guy and a girl. We took a bunch of pictures, because in this game there's weapon degradation, which means if you get hit a lot, your clothes come off!! So we had men in socks and underwear as well as girls in just bras and panties duking it out. She put the pictures on Facebook. So hilarious.
Speaking of my Psychiatrist appointment: that lady is an idiot. She only works on Friday afternoons, which worked for me this year because I didn't have an afternoon class, so I could catch the shuttle and just spend the night at Amanda's. Then, she's trying to make me an appointment for next semester, but realizes that she's not going to be there Friday afternoons anymore. She's switching to Friday mornings. Two things are wrong with this: 1)There is no morning shuttle from Emory to Oxford anymore. 2)My schedule is going to change next semester and as I don't carry that with me, I can't tell her yet when I'll be free. Ugh. So, basically, I'm going to be shuffled off to some other psychiatrist who will read her notes and automatically think they know me. >.< After the appointment, I'm walking back to the DUC so I can take the shuttle to Amanda's place when I get a call. It's my psychiatrist telling me to come back so that I can pick up the prescription she forgot to give to me. *rolls eyes*
Good thing I got it, though. I would have run out in the middle of break and that would have been disastrous. I had to fill my second prescription after I came back from Thanksgiving break. Finally on the 200 mg dose! I took the first one today, actually!! Hurray! I noticed that it had definitely started working last week, while I was on the 100 mg. I'm so glad to finally feel normal again. I haven't felt like this since middle school. I'm so glad. I'm finally me again! Yesssss.
I was thinking and I had a surprising thought. You remember the Smeagul Show? Where there was Smeagul, Barbara, and DarkElve? Well, think about it. Smeagul -hyper and over-happy. Barbara- the normal, chill girl. DarkElve- the aggressive, dark, depressive one. What does that reflect? Bi-polar. Coincidence? I don't know. Some studies show that people unconsciously know what is wrong with them. Under hypnosis, they reveal a lot about what is wrong with a person. Also, when did I start writing this "show"? Middle school. When all of this started. I just thought that was really interesting.
Well, I'm I need to shower and then get to bed. Gotta get up at 7.15 for my 8.30 class.
I hope everyone is well. Good luck with exams! Love you!
Barbara
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Well, it's been an interesting week. Busy as hell, but interesting. It all starts with me trying to purchase plane tickets for Winter Break. I found relatively cheap tickets round trip (about $180) and knew I had about enough to purchase them. I might have had to ask to borrow some cash, but that was fine. I was going to be paid in a few days, anyway. Well, I get to the ATM machine and have to keep myself from either screaming or crying. It told me I had only 48 dollars to my name. Not possible. I had not spent about $120 from the 13th to the 18th.
I panic-- call my mom. She tells me everything will be fine and that I just need to call the bank and ask them where my money is. Okay, this is good advice. I shall call them the next day, because it is much too late to be calling banks. I'm still upset though. Ticket prices are only going to shoot skywards and I don't know where my money could have gone. Did I mess up? Was it punishment for screwing up and going red when I bought my Thanksgiving tickets? Did someone, somehow, get a hold on my account and was spending my money? Fist time my roommate and her boyfriend saw me crying-- last time, too.
Well, next day was a mixture of stress/dread/worry/panic/depression and all around negativity. Not a good day. I hadn't had time to call the bank yet, but had gone over my receipts and my statement and none of the numbers were adding up. I was in the middle of my second class of the day when all the sudden the middle of me, between my stomach and my chest feels strange and I'm feeling really jittery: exactly how I feel when I'm about to have a panic attack. Great. Just great. I'm in the middle of class and can't just walk out or anything. So I concentrated on deep breaths and trying to get my zen on until the end of the class.
After class, I call my mom. It helps moderately, but I'm still not feeling okay. So I go to my room until dinner. I'm basically holding on to my stuffed bear and trying to breath for the 15 minutes before I can leave for the cafeteria. Unfortunately, this isn't working. My heart is literally hurting and so is my left arm. Dammit. I don't have time for this! Well, I go to dinner and distract myself with food. Surprisingly, sitting alone at my table, Sara comes to sit with me. Then her friends sit with me. I'm sitting at the cool kid's table and my roommate isn't there!! o.0 Before I left Lil's, I had a banana and the vitamin B helped. Still not great, but not wholly concentrated on whether my heart is going to stop or not.
Well, I talk on the phone with the bank after dinner and they tell me that the check I had put into the bank a few days prior was taken out, because the envelope that I put the check into was empty. Not possible since I fixed the check up and put it in the envelope in the twenty feet it is from the cafeteria and the cash machine, but okay. Can I get a new check? Yes? Okay, everything is fine. Next day, Mom calls me and tells me that they took the money out of her account, so it isn't possible that the check wasn't in the envelope. Luckily, she fixes it with the bank since it hurt her more than me, and they put the money back in my account and fix my online banking for me. Yay!
Later that night, I have to see The Tempest for my Theatre class. BEST PERFORMANCE OF SHAKESPEARE EVER!! The first act was definitely Shakespeare, but with a bunch of physical comedy thrown in (Well, it is a comedy.) The second act started with the actors fighting behind stage just after intermission. We were really confused at first, but then it just got hilarious. They were shouting the funniest things. Most of it had to do with the actors not knowing their lines. So the student director comes out and starts telling us that there isn't going to be a second act, because -this is college- and no one had the time to finish learning their lines. So he was just going to tell us briefly what happened and let us go.
And then Prospero comes out. With his magical Mickey Mouse Wizard Hat and fake accent. He was soo funny. He kept yelling "BY MINE ART" whenever he did "magic" and when he was casting a spell he would put his arms over his head, pointing at whatever/whoever he was performing magic on and would go, "Bing!" Sooo funny! Well, the actors all have their scripts on them because Prospero commands them to continue on with the play, despite no one knowing what was going on. At one point, the director gets tired of Prospero continuing the play and cuts all of his lines.
William Shakespeare does not like that. He comes out and tells the director how bad a decision that is. The characters all starting going off the deep end. One of the characters gets arrested, twice, for indecent exposure. The female lead starts the women's rights movement and runs off stage screaming "I'm going to learn to reeeeeeeaaadd!" Then the characters start forgetting what plays their from. The director quickly un-cuts Prospero's lines and we continue on with the story. It was just soo hilarious! I was lucky to see it.
Next day: Friday. I go through classes and work. Stuck in the closet, again, for three hours. Ugh. Too many hours in a small, dark, dusty, musty, creepy costume closet. Anyway, I get my stuff together, quickly and meet Ricky at the bus stop. He needed help getting tickets for the show that night, so I called and put him on the waiting list because they were sold out. I purchased mine a while ago, so it didn't matter for me. Well, the bus comes and we're off to main campus.
I go to my psychiatry appointment while Ricky goes off to play with Stella for a while. Psychiatrist appointments are so short, all the time. They don't really care about anything, but how the meds are working. Mine are working just fine right now, so there wasn't much to talk about besides my panic attack. So, I call my mom, again. Chat with her. Make my way to the DUC. I did some Columbus research before texting Amanda. Luckily, she's not at work, so she can meet me for dinner! I text Ricky, too, and he said he and Stella would meet us at 5.30.
So, dinner was pretty grand. Much fun and more yummy than Oxford food. I went to go to the bathroom and apparently the hallway that it was on lead to a performance called "A Taste of Africa." I see this smartly dressed black man standing in the doorway and recognize him-- it's Seni!! Yay! I gave him a hug and we chatted for a while. We saw his twin running back and forth, but he was too busy to say anything. Apparently, he was actually a part of the performance. Not surprising that either of them are there, considering that they're from Nigeria. It was soo good to see the both of them. I miss them a lot. I can't wait to go to main campus!
So, the real reason we're at Emory: Hominid is playing! Whoo! I've been planning to see this all semester. Mostly because of Theatre, but also because it sounded amazing. Think chimps and Macbeth. You got it. Only, there were no actual chimpanzees, thankfully. Instead there were people dressed for a garden party acting like chimps would. My favorite characters were Loot (the alpha male-- he was sooo awesome!) and Dr. Janice (the anthropologist studying the chimps and their behavior). I should mention that Ricky did get a ticket and so did Stella. Ricky's ticket actually came from one of the guys in the play, but we didn't know that until we saw him on stage. Too cool. Anyway, what a spectacular performance!
Here's the fun part. This girl who tagged along with us told us that the shuttle was going to pick us up at 10PM. That's good. Show gets out at 9.30PM. We have time. Unfortunately, this girl is an idiot and looked at the bolded time on the schedual-- which is the time that the shuttle leaves our campus to come to this one. Idiot girl! It left at 9PM from this campus to get to Oxford! Next shuttle: 2AM. Dammmmit! Ricky was good enough to spend the night on campus, so it was just this girl and I waiting around for the shuttle. It's about 50 degrees out and I've only got a thin jacket. We have no where to go at this time of night.
We did end up going to the DUC, which is only open till 1AM. I was able to get a distress call out to Amanda before my phone conveniently kicked the bucket. Very luckily, she was able to pick us up and bring us to her apartment. We played Saints Row 2 and then she downloaded this adorable puzzle game for her PS3. Lots of fun. We banished dumb girl to the other room where there was television. She does not like such things as gang violence and muggings-- which is exactly what Saints Row is all about.
Thankfully, we're able to catch the right shuttle back to campus. By this point, I'm so glad this bitch didn't sit next to be on the nearly empty bus. I really dislike this girl. She's a judgmental hypocrite. She's also always going on about how depressed she is and all of this negative crap. Get over it! They gave you anti-depressants to help you, so if you don't want to accept the help, then stop complaining! You make me really aggravated when you pull me down from my chipper state. What's ridiculous is that I've got my own problems (and so, I'm sure, does the rest of my campus), but all she can see is her own craziness. Yes, I take my medication because I deserve to be happy and have a normal range of emotions. No, I'm not an idiot who can't make up her mind about whether she wants help or to just aggravate others by harping about my own problems. Get over yourself.
Anyway, I got no work done Saturday and only a bit of what I planned today. Oh well. I'll just have to work really hard to get stuff done before Thanksgiving break. Two big papers due after break and one due the day before. We'll see how it goes. Gonna write one paper tomorrow, try to get at least a book of research done, and maybe start my response paper for Anthropology. Hopefully, I can get major work done!
Tuesday, I get to come home! I'll be home late Tuesday, but I'll be home! Can't wait!! Arg! Gonna be so much fun to be home for a few days!!
Anyway, I'm about 40 minutes late for bed time. I'll talk to you guys later,
Smeagul
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