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I feel like every time I come and type up my life anymore, it's not to tell you guys about how awesome it's been. Patrick tells me I need to get over my hormones (>.<) and stop being so upset all the time. Fine, whatever.
Because it has to be hormones and can't just be that I've been over -stressed and over- lonely these past few weeks.
It's not like my hormones aren't more regulated than a mans'. No. Anytime a woman is upset it's "hormones." Whenever a man is upset, it's because "he has a lot to be upset about." Forget that misogynistic shit that the industry feeds you. It's not fucking true. And don't tell me "Oh, but--!" No. If you believe it, then it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. So go ahead and believe it if you want an excuse, but that's really all it is. A lame excuse.
I'm not hormonal! I'm fucking upset!
My life has had a predictable cycle to it ever since High School started. Good things happen that start to pull me and my family out of the rut we've been living in. Then something bad happens that starts the avalanche that sets us further back than we originally began.
Before Christmas break, I had Candice and Lauren to hang out with. I was getting good grades in my classes. There was a lot of work, but it was a manageable workload. I was really enjoying my time at school.
Gradually, I've been losing Candice and Lauren. No fights, no drama. They've just both been really busy with school. Instead of all of us doing our homework together, though, Candice has been hanging out with Gene and Farhan and Lauren has found Tu Ahn and Elaina. People in their classes that they can hang out with and study with at the same time. Not only have they been busy, but they've been going through roommate related drama. That fucking hairdryer. And Candice, being the one taking 22 hours, developed an eating disorder, an ear infection, and asthma.
I got a new roommate, who is awesome. We spend a lot of daylight hours together. But she goes to bed around 8 PM, sometimes. So for the rest of the night, I'm alone. Every, single day.
My workload has increased, as well. We've gone from 2 page response papers in Anthro to 5 page book analysises. Poetry papers have to be 800 words long, no matter the length or content of the poems. They also have to be written "concisely," so no b.s. word filler. Tuesdays and Thursdays, 100 pages have to be read in the ethnographies we are reading in Anthropology. I have to keep up with my Geology notecards, so that I can study for the tests we have because I don't have time to read the chapters. I'm freaking out about dance because we go over two dances a week and then don't pick them up again. The written final is going to be next week and I haven't a clue what's going to be on it. My German professor's usual method of "teaching" is to give us homework and then go over what we did wrong. Lately, she's been giving us a ton of homework, but has just moved onto the next subject without going over any of the work. This time, her method of teaching is "just memorize it." I'm sorry that it's difficult to do the 2 and a half hours of homework that she assigns for each of the 4 days of classes there are every week, my other homework, and ALSO memorize the German textbook. Not only that, but my professor is behind in HER work, so she takes it out on us. We're going to have to do our oral test as well as go over the midterms and compositions that we took before Spring Break. Am I forgetting anything?
Oxford thinks I'm lying about not having a father. They denied my petition to waive the non-custodial parent form because I didn't have enough proof. It took them 3 weeks to tell me that, when they told me it would take only a week. We're appealing the decision. We gave them every bit of information or paperwork that we thought would be pertinent. Now, we're racing against the deadline. It's not like we were the ones lallygagging, but if they deny us again, I'm not going to get the financial aid that I need to come back next semester. My mom has stressed this point to the point of stressing me. (Nice word play, huh?) She wants me to find the time during the week to go up and bug the financial aid people about it. What the hell does she want me to ask? "Excuse me, but have you held the committee to go over my petition yet? I'm too impatient to wait for the e-mail that you're going to send me with the answer."
My grandpa is in the hospital. It was a urinary tract infection, at first. He just got a pacemaker put in today. Not preventative measures. Only one of the three nerve bundles was working in his heart and not in a stellar fashion, either. The doctors also think he's got diminished mental capacity, so they want to put him in a nursing home for good. My grandma, irrationally, believes that he's doing this to hurt her or make her work harder. My mom is upset because it's her father and she can't believe the way her mother is handling the situation. I never liked the guy, but he's my grandpa. Not only is he family, but he's stressing out the other members of my family.
So, recently everything has been piling up on me to the point where my whole life focuses around homework. I'm always by myself. Patrick doesn't want to talk to me because when I'm worried or stressed about something I talk about it a lot, so I'm always talking about school. He think we don't anything to relate to anymore, but it's not my fault that he answers all of my questions that would lead to a conversation with "Nothing" or "Fine."
I haven't been sleeping, either...
I wake up exhausted.
And I'm not telling you all this just for attention. I don't care whether you think I need to buck up and deal with it or whatever. I just want someone to fucking say "Wow, Barbara. You're working really hard. It must be difficult. Good luck with all of that." I want people to understand that it's not just because of hormones that I'm upset. I'm not fucking over reacting because college is difficult. I'm upset because I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm lonely, and I'm homesick. I have no time for anything anymore. Not even homework. I'm at that place where there is so much homework to be done, but there is not enough time for it to be done in.
Whatever, I'm heading out now.
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| | Posted 3/30/2009 12:15 AM - 12 Views - 6 eProps - 3 comments
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